There�s so much I want to say, but the words are caught in my throat. Usually I�m fearless, but it�s different around you. I can�t make sense of this. I don�t know how it happened, but I�ve fallen for you just a little.
How long is this going to last? I can�t say. I have no answer for myself.
I'll remain, but I want to walk away. I�m afraid. I�m afraid to stay and I�m afraid to leave. I�m afraid you�ll hurt my bare heart as I wait for something to happen and I�m afraid to walk away from the chance that maybe you�d protect it instead.
I read somewhere that love is being vulnerable to someone, knowing they can hurt you, but trusting them not to.
�Love � ... I�m beginning to get very irritated with this word. Merely because I still don�t understand it.
I�m so tired. I�m sick of my own words. I�ve learned that if you ramble on about different topics without elaborating on things, people generally lose interest and stop reading. I wonder if you�re still reading? I�ll never know, but heavens, how I wonder. I�m going to start elaborating on one topic at a time. Despite having several feelings I�m compelled to unscramble.
Word vomit. That's what I call it.
I�ll remain as I am with him because I'll regret it if I move on right now. If my relationship with the hunter ends up being more than an infatuation, it's worth the test of patience. Trivial, more immediate connections with lesser men aren�t worth missing out on something greater. So far, giving into temporary satisfaction has always been followed by a downward spiral.
I�ve got so much life ahead of me. I shouldn�t be settling. If I feel something significant, I should go after it. But I shouldn�t use than as an excuse to be foolish. No. Damn it. I want someone to make things feel right. Someone who accepts me. Does the hunter do that? I don�t know. He�s a good guy. Fuck not being able to tell the difference between what�s good for me and what�s meant for me.
Love, I�m begging you, show me the next step. Ever-elusive, I don�t need to have you yet, just show me the way... am I on the right path?
Scraping for just one unique thought, I give into the mess inside my head. It seems writing tonight can�t even set things in steady accord. I�m tired. What should I title this? I�ve always had problems with titles.
I can be torn to pieces and take it with a smile. I�ve done it. It�s not easy. I prefer to smile genuinely. I want to get the kind of stupid grin on my face that I can�t seem to make go away. I miss those.
A hug. It feels so good to embrace my hunter.
His kiss. It's memorable. Still, I don�t understand him, so I�m defensive. I feel like I need to impress him. I�m insecure and unsure of so much. I can't let go and I can't relax...
�Tell me your name woman.�
�And what would you do with my name, sir hunter? Call me a fox, for that is all I am to you.�
I can hardly take myself seriously calling him hunter. Nicknames are so juvenile, but should he ever stumble across this page, I�d hate it if he found his name in our stories. I respect him, therefore his name is unknown to you.
In the beginning, I really was just a fox. He was a fox to me as well. Both the hunters and the hunted, both completely unaware we�d find something more. It�s just so fitting that I call him the hunter. It�s a little ironic and a little contradicting. He�s much more than what the alias implies, but I do enjoy true irony. The name stays. His real name though, it�s lovely. Misleading, but lovely. His name is boyish. Young and spirited. It�s the name I picture a small boy of 8 or 9 having. But hunter, you�re strong and handsome. You have the most intense gaze I�ve ever been under and the loveliest eyes I�ve ever seen. The inner iris is a warm caramel, almost golden that fades to a peridot green and the outer most color is a vivid forest green. I�ve never looked into such eyes before. Your smile is charming, your voice is smooth. All the physical qualities aside, you have a deep sense of loyalty, even if you sometimes hate it. You�re willing to bite the bullet for someone else if you deem them worthy and it means they�ll be better off. I know this because you did it for me once... I�ll explain this one.
When the hunter and I first started talking, attraction was there immediately. I came on strong, led him on and then backed off for self-preservation. It was a bitch move, I�m aware, but I didn�t realize what was happening, I didn't recognize the attraction, until the damage was done. Right then, I drew the line I knew I had to and told him I couldn�t get involved with anyone. I just needed a friend. You see, he too had recently been screwed over by another and it hurt him the way I moved fast, then stamped an �off limits� sign across my forehead. But, he accepted it, and continued talking with me as though he was alright. He became the friend I�d asked him to be.
I was unaware that it was rough on him. Like me, he�s not one to miss out on an opportunity and he saw in me so much of what he wanted in a girl. So he stood by and bit the bullet, as I said. I felt there was something out of place and I confronted him. We were both upset. He was being strong for me and I was mad because I knew he was keeping something important from me. It was then that a mutual friend of ours entered the picture. This friend was the one I met hunter through. The friend was with hunter at this time and (unknown to me) the hunter said to him, �Man, you know us both. You know how we think and you know how to make this right. I know what needs to be said, but I can�t say it.� Hunter handed his phone to our friend and the friend took it from there (all this was done via text). What was said after that was that hunter would be the friend I needed, that we should slow things down, etc. I was told what I needed to hear. Hunter was mad that he, being the good guy, was letting go of the idea of an �us,� but he cared enough to put aside what he wanted.
I was elated when I found out he did this. He was selfless for me before he really even knew me. He was selfless and didn't care to receive credit for it. I didn't learn until later that hunter wasn�t okay the times he told me he was. I was mad at myself for not seeing that, but I was happy he cared about my well-being enough to take a hit over it. It�s something I do with people. A guy with a heart? Pinch me, I�m dreaming.
There�s still so much he doesn�t know about me. He doesn�t ask many questions, but I�m beginning to realize that none of the crap he doesn�t know matters. Too long I�ve defined myself by my past. I�m learning to live a better way. I�m ready for something more than this. This mess of a life is all I�ve ever known, maybe it�s just me that can�t keep it together. Maybe, but I�ve never smiled this much before.
10:13 p.m. - 2009-08-20
Recent entries:
Hello, Old Friend - 2017-02-13
Heads or Tails - 2011-01-21
Kindness - 2010-12-03
They've taken a toll, these latter days - 2010-11-16
Written in the Winter of 2009 - 2010-09-19
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
journalmine
wildguess
auj
aryssa90
fuckxthis
breathe-salt
my-serenade
herdarlinsin