"...the grass grows, without you. The seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
...the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats... the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe... The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I�m gone.
Cause I die, without you."
Every now and then I do something a little irresponsible, or risky rather and I wake up the next morning knowing that the situation/action/moment happened, but feeling like it didn't. My world stops, but the earth turns, unaware.
Three weeks ago I drove a long way at a late hour, just to prove the point that things weren�t over with the hunter. That was a symbol. The purpose of that action was to manifest my feelings. After all, "A person is defined not by their words, but by the actions they make." I don't know who first said that, but it's very wise.
After driving home, I woke up the next morning knowing that everything which transpired the night before really happened-- The long embraces, the walk through an empty park with the moon shining down on us and our hours spent laying atop a reservoir simply looking up at the stars-- but it was all so surreal.
Everything is still the same in life though so much has changed in my heart. Or rather, so much has happened that I feel like the world should have stopped spinning by now, yet time goes on the same.
I woke up alone in my bed. He wasn�t there just as he has never been. Despite surprising him with my presence the night before, despite seeing him unable to shake the smile from his face. Despite the shy, but passionate kiss and the sad, longing look in his eyes as we parted ways, I still drove home that night and life went on.
Two nights ago, I was with the hunter again. I had the chance to see him again and I took it. The fiery passion between us was like never before. We gave into desire. We were flirting with danger, knowing if we went to far we�d feel remorse. We danced on the wire our relationship so delicately balances upon for hours, but it was he who said no first. I then spent the night wrapped in his embrace and in the morning woke to his sweet kiss. After he took me out to breakfast we spent the rest of the day in bed, cuddling and laughing.
Then I went home. Driving away was like waking up from a dream; some strange mix of fact and fantasy.
So much has changed between us, but life goes on. The circumstances between us today are no different than they�d be if we never met. He'd have gone to Cleveland and I to Dayton all the same. We'd meet people, love, cry, and live on ignorant of each other's existence. As of now, I live life as though he isn't in mine because in reality, he isn't. I can touch his face no more than I can reach up and touch the stars. All I have of him is the connection I feel that spans across the state. Every night my heart goes out to him as we wish each other good night. All I have-- all he has of me-- are the memories that tied us together at the start. We have those memories that first woke our hearts to each other... and we hold on. I'm loyal to him. I haven't closed my life off from the idea of another prospect entering the picture (heaven knows several have tried), but no one has come close to meeting my standards. No one but him. So I say no when the neighbor asks me to cuddle. I walk away when confident drunks approach me at parties. I'm not interested in those things, so I'm loyal to a ghost. Someone no one else has seen, yet is always with me. Always there.
It�s funny that I write all this out... it�s a feeble attempt at making it seem more real still.
I can't do this on my own strength. I want to be mad... I want my temper to flare. I want to feel determination enough to give me a way to do something about all that�s strayed from the expected course. I want too much... apathy come take me.
Or love? Be bold enough to make this work
9:57 p.m. - 2009-08-31
Recent entries:
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Kindness - 2010-12-03
They've taken a toll, these latter days - 2010-11-16
Written in the Winter of 2009 - 2010-09-19
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