Prologue: Ghosts
For the past two weeks I�ve been haunted by my past. I haven�t been sleeping at night, I�m having nightmares that wake me up in a cold sweat on the verge of a scream. This has to end. This is my last attempt at quieting the chaos in my head. I know no other way to shut the door on my past. If this doesn�t work, I don�t know what will. I�m just going to address these one by one, do it free hand and see what comes of it. Here we go...
I. Simplicity
I write a million words but the story always start with you. I never said I love you, we never said goodbye. Our first hello was as sweet as they get. You�re the prelude and you planted the seed of what grew to be the romantic, passionate side of me. Every man who has ever claimed to love me has you to thank.
II. Idiocy
You dumbass. My first kiss, my first everything was with you. Freshman year, I broke up with you after 7 months. All in within one month, my dog died, my kitten was killed and two weeks later we broke up. Heavens, I could have made a country song out of all that happened and you stupidly went on to tell everyone I knew just how intimately you'd experienced my body. As if this wasn�t enough you then harassed me though emails, your friends approached me to tear me down and insult me for leaving you. I had to make it stop. I fabricated a lie that to this day, you haven�t recovered from.
Memo to the world: Don�t fuck with me like this, I respond badly
III. Anger
My beauty was so radiant to you that I was the only thing you saw for years. I was looking for love you were looking for something you could control. You had control of nothing in your life but me. You were as good as it got and for a year I was happy. I was taken care of. You made me feel protected and I was. From everyone and everything. I was isolated from what miniscule connection I�d had with my family then. I was cut off from my friends. I spend most my nights in your room like it was a cage and you know what? I thought I was happy. I had someone. I wasn�t alone, but in my heart I was the loneliest I�d ever been. You were a jealous man. You lashed out at me frequently and I was powerless to leave you because you were all I had. It took me two years walk out on you. It�s a personal victory of mine. Fuck you for thinking me weak. You were on your knees crying, begging me to come back at the end. Better luck next time.
IV. Piquancy
The only Casanova I know. You were and still are the most charismatic man I've met. You taught me what it is to kiss sweetly and kiss slow. From you, I learned how to experience every sensation. Not only did I feel the electricity as we kissed, I felt the distance, the absence between us our lips from kiss to kiss. All while being completely aware of the closeness our bodies kept and the feel of what was beneath our fingertips as our hands explored each other's curves. You were a tease, a temptation from day one. Along with that you�re wise and contemplative. My dear, Casanova could have learned a few tricks from you. Two years later, after no contact what so ever, I was still drawn to you like a moth to a light in the dark. I played the game and used my acquired talents on you as you used yours on me. Being affectionate is my one claim to fame if any. I want my lovers to relish every touch and experience individually each sensation of sweet abandon; so much so that they feel they�re in love. At heart, I�m a devil and if a devil I am, I at least want to be good at it. You were smitten. You felt something so real about me that you wanted to protect me from you. You almost succeeded.
V. Trickery
You saw me when I was invisible. You held me in times when I thought I would fall apart. My white knight, my friend, my love. You got the best of me. You pieced me together so intricately. You took time with your words and how fast we moved. You made everything perfect and before you put the last broken piece of my heart into place, you slid in through the gap and fit perfectly. It was going so well. I thought I knew what love was, but as time passed you lost interest in me. You betrayed me. Broke me. Deceived me. I was dead and breathing, understanding firsthand the difference between living and living in my head. Inspiration had dried up like a well within me. I couldn�t speak a word of emotion without scoffing bitterly. For months I slept on a bed of nails, but I found something sturdy after our falling out. It wasn�t until then that I safely let you find a place at my side once again as my friend. A good friend. I love you, clever man, but a lover of mine, you�ll never be again. You�re a great companion, but nothing more. I find irony in you missing me a since I came back, more so than when I was gone.
VI. Vigor.
Love is a fool�s paradise. I would have written it in blood the day we met. If only you had been able to see inside my head. I was determined to be free; without an anchor; no longer a caged bird. Never again would I let someone tame my free spirit. But, like hope from the bottom of pandora�s box, you came. Since then I�ve learned that not being tied down isn�t the same as being free.
Never say die
Epilogue: The Fox
�Call me a fox, for that is all I am to you�
The symbolism of the black mar on my body is something I can hardly describe. It a feeling rather. Men see me, they see a fox. A pretty thing. I am pursued by these men who think with their cocks and all I can do is turn them away. Women see me, they see a fox too. A manipulative little thing. A girl who uses her assets to get what she wants. What more can I do but walk on. For so long I�ve despised my appearance. It�s belittling being judged for what I look like. Even when the judgement is intended to compliment me. I detest being called pretty or beautiful. I was born into my genetics. If I�m complimented I�d like it to be on something I control. My personality rather than the skin I wear and the muscles, bones and body I live in.
I am so much more than a fox. I can submit to my cunning, stealthy, secretive side, manipulate loved ones to my will and disappear selfishly until I want to be found. But I know what it is to live through truth. I�ve felt limitless freedom from a love so simple and selfless. I know real beauty. The earth in all its wonderment. The warmth of the wet street under bare feet after a thunder storm in june. The fog which blankets the ground on a late spring morning as the sunrise glitters on the horizon. The sparkle of snow in the winter and the endless night sky which never ceases to romanticize the poets and lovers of this world.
I know what it is to live deliberately.
You see a fox. Call me a fox.
I am so much more than you�ll ever know
I�m free from deception
I�m free to love whomever I want
I seek the simple things
I find them, and find in them true happiness
I am free
4:32 p.m. - 2009-10-09
Recent entries:
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Written in the Winter of 2009 - 2010-09-19
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